Aishi

You are never forgotten,

Forever in our thoughts,

Not a single day goes by,

that we do not feel your loss.

We dearly love you Aishi... always have, always will.

Sisters - A precious relationship

It’s the new year, I was a little bored and thought hey, I wonder what articles were printed on this day last year and I found this.

After reading the whole article, I can definitely say I identify with it and know where the author is coming from. Sisters have this amazing ability to be your best friend one minute, your enemy the next and back to being your best friend again. There is this invisible bond that holds us together and whereas with friends, who you can leave when you like... with your sister, well she’s there for life whether you like it or not. Personally I find it very comforting knowing that there will always be someone in my corner; fighting for me, supporting me, willing me to do well. It’s that sense of trust and loyalty that is not easily replicated in other relationships. Maybe it is impossible recreate that bond with others, who knows. Although I feel sad at times, I do feel blessed that I had the opportunity to experience my sister’s love in my life. Those memories and secrets that we shared will always stay with as long as I live and the bond that I shared with my sister is completely irreplaceable.

I am lucky in that I am still able to experience that relationship with my cousin sisters who I am very close to (mA) and I hope that our sisterly bond will continue to remain strong for as long as we shall live. With Aisha, well she is of course irreplaceable and I will always feel connected to her. Often I feel as if she is looking out for me, helping and guiding me along the right path, giving me a little inspiration on where to go/ what to do next in my life. I still get a little upset when I think of all the people that will never get the chance to meet Aishi; my husband, my children, new additions to the family, new friends that I make - all those people will never get to see what a warm hearted, pure and generous person she is.

All those occasions that she will miss out on; my first day in my new job (the career that she was the inspiration for), the day I meet my in-laws for the first time, the day I get married and all the functions/ shenanigans associated with it, moving into my new home, being a Khala (aunt) to my kids, there are so many first’s that she won’t be present for and it gets to me. I feel like it is loss on behalf of the people that will never get to meet her and loss for me too as I won’t get the chance to express how much we truly love each other, by being there for each other. Best friends come and go but sisters are supposed to stay forever and I just never expected our relationship to be any different.

As time goes on, I just hope I can do a good job of preserving her memory and keeping her alive in my mind to remember all moments we shared and share them with those she that left behind.

They live on

Definition of death: the termination of biological functions that define a living organism. It refers both to a particular event and to the conditions that result thereby.

Death is something that is celebrated, embraced and feared all across the world. It has no qualms, about who it encounters - social class, religion, gender, age; these all are irrelevant. If there is one thing we can be certain of in life is that eventually, one day we will all die. Some people have a hard time adjusting whilst others seem to accept it effortlessly. No matter how prepared you think you may be, spiritually, practically etc, somehow it never seems enough. What’s worse than your own death is losing a loved one; knowing that you can’t help and leaving you to helplessly watch on. There is nothing that can compare to the feeling of losing a loved one and it is something that I feel you never really get over.

When I read this story, I found it incredibly sweet and sad at the same time. I was amazed at how such a small young mind was able to accept her imminent death and not only that but she had the strength to see her family through the tough times that would follow after her departure and help them in her own special way.

ARTICLE:
To say that “Notes Left Behind” is a book about a 6-year-old girl who died is accurate, but woefully inadequate. By filling her family’s house with hidden messages of love and hope, Elena Desserich continues to celebrate life long after she succumbed to pediatric brain cancer...
Please continue reading the article here.

Wedding invite

A friend of mine recently got married and it was a lovely day. Unfortunately some of her family abroad couldn’t make it to the ceremony and as there was a delay in the wedding DVD, she decided to place bits of the wedding video online. Whilst searching for it, I come across a plethora of wedding videos, first dances and what not. I have no idea why this particular one stood out and I’m sure many will think that there are better videos out there. Whilst watching it I just thought what a way to make an entrance - a fun couple for a) having the initiative to do it and b) for getting their family to join in :)

Also whilst we’re on the topic of weddings, I might as well mention a few other bits and bobs :)

First up a paper clipping of someone’s wedding announcement wedding announcement. It’s such a different way to announce your wedding compared to the other announcements in the paper. It definitely brought a smile to my face reading their story. Knowing how the couple got together makes you feel a part of it and makes it a lot more personal. So cute! :)

Flicking through the articles online, I found this. So the writer’s main focus of the article was on Kate Moss and the number of celebrities that were present at this wedding. However it was the final two pictures right at the end that caught my eye. How many weddings have you heard of where the bride and the mother-in-law wear matching outfits? Isn’t the general rule assumed to be that you do NOT upstage the bride on her wedding day?

Also I love listening to guests that give the newly wedded couple advice on how to build a successful marriage. Social scientists have felt the need to add to this barrage of advice by conducting some scientific research. According to this research, wedded bliss only lasts a year after which the magic fades – which let’s face it, is kind of depressing isn’t it? The article states that if you make it past the 3 to 5 year mark, then they may be some hope for the couple. Personally I believe life is what you make it. Running along this same train of thought, another article suggested that accepting misery and conflict is a key part of a happy and healthy relationship. So I guess the take home message there is that it IS good to argue... err sometimes.

I have to say this latest article is perhaps my favourite so far. Experts have discovered that the key thing is for men to have a smarter and younger wife (who is preferably not a divorcee); if they would like to have a long and happy marriage. Switch the situation around however (older woman and younger man) and the odds are not in the couples favour. Ooh err, somewhat sexist and ageist? Honestly, I cannot wait for the next new piece of social research, lol. :)

Cool but bordering on a bit weird...

Woohoo! Today was my last day of clinic and I just saw my last patient a mere 5 hours ago. It feels a bit weird knowing that when I wake up on Monday morning, I won’t have to re-arrange appointments at the last minute, lug around any equipment or have a full day of back to back appointments of patients to see. From here on in, it is going be all statistics, analysis, discussions, write ups etc. Also this past month has been a bit low on the blogging front due to my other commitments i.e. university, clinic, ramzan etc. So for today, I’m going to take some time out, relax and write up a couple of posts (about random stuff) in advance, before all the mayhem kicks in.

In one of my older posts I mentioned how my mum had weirdly educated herself on what my ‘type’ was. Well ladies and gents my mum has now taken it one step further. She now updates me on what my crushes (past and present) are up to these days! I don’t mean like a minute by minute account (she’s not a stalker for goodness sake!) but more like a general “So I heard from so and so that ______ is doing this these days” etc.

My best example of this to date is recently whilst I helping out in the kitchen, my mum pulled out a copy of an asian newspaper, pointed at an article and simply said “look at this” – which I duly did. I learnt that Ali Zafar had got married to his long time fiancée Ayesha Fazli and instead of later in the year they decided to tie the knot now. I thought that was wonderful news and really quite sweet – clearly they love each other very much. She especially kept the cutting for me because yes; deep down I’m still 13 years old *sigh*...

After I finish reading, my mum comments; “He’s seems like a nice guy...I guess he’s off your list now”
LOL - wait, wait... I have a list and I didn’t even know about it?! Besides what did my mum think was going to happen? I‘d move to Lahore, set up my own clinic which he would visit one day and we’d fall in love and get married? Better still skip the clinic bit, we’d meet at the airport just as we were getting off from different flights? Yea! That could totally happen... in a cheesy Bollywood movie. Lol.

Wonder how my mum would react if I told her I quite liked Zach Braff for his goofiness or Jon Stewart for his sarcasm? (Did I mention that they’re Jewish? *gasp* lol)
*sigh*... Well at least we don’t sit down at the dinner table and as a family discuss my taste in men. FYI this happened to a friend of mine recently! I cannot imagine how uncomfortable dinner times are in that family, lol.

Actually give it time, it probably will start happening soon, lol. I doubt that my Dad could refrain from commenting on every aspect of my life. He has to KNOW everything about everything, because (his own words, not mine) “I AM the master of this house” – to which I burst out laughing. Wow. I’ll tell you that response did NOT go down too well, though he did see the funny side of it later – quite a while later in fact :)

My Sister's Keeper

My younger cousin sister Sara is going to Edinburgh for a year to do her uni placement and as I write this she is probably up in Edinburgh checking out her accommodation for the following year. I’m in two minds about the coming year as it’ll be weird having her so far away but at the same time I’m glad she’s doing something that she really wants to do. We decided to have a girly night out on Friday and so Saaiba, Sara, Saba and I went out to watch a movie and have dinner together. Personally I felt that “My Sister’s Keeper” was a really good movie and I did actually enjoy it despite the fact that I cried almost entirely throughout the movie. And I wasn’t alone as I can always count on Saba to be crying along with me, even Sara on this occasion. Actually thinking back the whole cinema was nearly in tears and after the movie a fair few people did head for the rest rooms to sort out their tear streaked faces. Most people except Saaiba that is… well there’s always one isn’t there!

We headed to Nando’s for dinner and continued our usual conversation and banter whilst we ate. As we didn’t want to go home just yet, we then went to Pizza Hut for dessert. Upon our arrival we were greeted by the news that Pizza Hut had run out of pizza. Yes that’s right – Pizza Hut was out of pizza! Ok fine, maybe they had a busy night and besides we were just there for dessert. But the look on Saaiba was face was just too funny to ever forget...” What do you mean you’ve run out of pizza?” and then a little while later this was followed by “My god, why don’t they just name themselves Pasta Hut instead?” – the laughter began and well, I guess you just had to be there. All in all I enjoyed our night out and I hope it was a good send off for Sara as well.

The movie however had a bigger impact on me than I thought. I still had some of the scenes replaying in my mind throughout the night and even today. I don’t’ want to spoil the premise of the movie but it’s about a girl who has cancer and the effect it has on her family, specifically her younger brother and sister. Although the plot didn’t exactly match my experience, the words that were spoken between the two sisters really struck a chord with me. The dialogue between them was near enough identical to the words I had said to my sister during her last few days. The only difference being was that our roles were reversed and it was my little sister who was leaving and not me, the eldest daughter. The most poignant image of the movie for me was the night before the girl dies and both her younger brother and sister kiss and hug her and apologise for not being able to fulfil her wishes whilst she in return tells them that it’s not their fault.

It reminded me of my last night with my sister – mum and dad took a little break from being at Aisha’s bedside, after our last visitor of evening, Imran bhai left to go home. Whilst Bilal and I were sat beside her, Aisha opened her eyes for a little while and I remember holding her hand whilst Billy clambered onto her bed to give her a kiss. Being so young, Bilal didn’t quite understand the situation and I remember him telling Aisha to wake up and come home as he didn’t like being in the hospital anymore. After he had settled down, I remember just looking into Aishi’s eyes and seeing how scared she was led to an uncontrollable flood of tears from me. I think a part of me knew what was coming, yet I didn't want to acknowledge it as that would make it real and I really didn't want it to be true. I asked her to forgive me for anything that I may have said or done to upset her now and in the past. I told her how much I loved her, how she was the best sister I could have asked for and how sorry I was for not making the most of the time we had to together. I remembered during our childhood; how Aisha always used to say to me that we’ll always go together everywhere, no matter what. Why couldn’t the same apply to the here and now? I told her save me a space and to wait me for me; that this journey was another one that we’d make together as well, just as we had done before many times.

Unfortunately that wasn’t the case this time around and watching the movie brought back a flood of memories. I don’t think those kind of moments ever leave you but with Eid fast approaching as well as Aisha’s anniversary, those scenes replay in my mind fairly frequently and I can recall every detail in those last few moments we siblings shared together. I guess that’s part and parcel of life, certain people may not physically be around you anymore but their memories never leave you and I for one am glad that Aisha is still around me in one way or another.

Bromance

Recently I was looking through some review guides, trying to pick a film to watch with girls over the weekend. A recent movie release that caught my eye was “Man I love you” starring Paul Rudd (Phoebe’s boyfriend Mike from Friends). When asked to describe what the film was about, quite a few of the critics bandied about the term “bromance”. I knew what it meant but wanted a proper definition of the term, if it existed. So naturally I googled it... as you do, lol.

Definition: Coined in the 1990’s by Editor Dave Carnie by combining the word ‘brother’ and ‘romance’. Refers to a man-crush; an intimate but non-sexual relationship between two men.

Some further points that sounded interesting have been borrowed from Wikipedia:
Aristotle described a concept similar to the bromance as early as 300 BCE, writing, "It is those who desire the good of their friends for the friends' sake that are most truly friends, because each loves the other for what he is, and not for any incidental quality".

Research into friendship and masculinity has found that recent generations of men, raised by feminist mothers in the 1970s, are more emotionally open and more expressive.

Men are also entering into a first marriage at later ages than they have previously. According to a 2007 study conducted by the Rutgers University National Marriage Project, men are waiting to marry until an average age of 27, up from an average age of 23 in 1960, and men with more education are waiting until their 30s before getting married. The financial pressure of staying single longer may lead to men becoming roommates for extended periods, fueling the bromance.

It got me thinking about the famous bromantic couples that spring to my mind:

Sitcoms –
The most famous one I can think of are Joey and Chandler from “Friends”. It actually is very lovely to see such a strong between two guys and I don’t think that the series would be the same without them. Another couple is JD and Turk from “Scrubs” who are hilariously funny. I think JD cried hysterically when Turk was marrying Carla. Closer to home would be the lovely Ant and Dec, who started off at Byker Grove and now Saturday night TV is just not the same without them :)

Films –
Matt Damon and Ben Affleck have got take the number one spot. Those guys started off their careers together and are still the best of friends despite their celeb status and fame. George Clooney and Brad Pitt in the Ocean movies are also excellent example of friendship.

Not so real –
Probably my earliest encounters of bromantic relationship would be from my favourite cartoon at the time – The Flintstones; Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble. Also Sesame Street gets a mention, especially Bert and Ernie. It’s probably where I picked up my first taste of sarcasm, lol.

Family wise, a lot more spring to mind. Numerous uncles and cousins both here in the UK and well pretty much all over the world really. Dilemma - should I name them? Ah I’m sure they all know who they are ;) Personally I think it’s really sweet, lol.

P.S. Just a bit of an afterthought; what's the term for a girl-crush? I'm not sure it even exists, lol. Hmmm, any suggestions?

Love at first sight

ARTICLE:

Love at first sight takes 8.2 seconds

The time needed for a man to fall in love at first sight is just 8.2 seconds, according to scientists.
The longer a man looks at a woman when they meet for the first time, the more interested they are, reports The Daily Telegraph.

If his gaze lasts for longer than 8.2 seconds, he could already be in love, but if it's just around four seconds he might not be that impressed.
However women let their eyes linger on men for the same length of time regardless of whether or not they fancied them.
Researchers used hidden cameras and secretly tracked the eye movements of 115 students as they spoke to actors and actresses.
They were then asked to rate their conversation partner's attractiveness.
The journal Archives of Sexual Behavior reported that the men looked into the eyes of actresses they considered beautiful for an average of 8.2 seconds, but that dropped to 4.5 seconds when gazing at those they found less attractive.
The female students, however, looked at the actors for the same length of time.
The researchers believe that men use eye contact to seek out mates, while women are more wary of attracting unwanted attention.

Relationships

I met up with a old friend recently to get some help with statistics and SPSS. I mean I’m pretty ok with my statistics but if you friend happens to be a maths teacher then why the hell not? Plus I thought it would be a good opportunity to catch up. To sum up our meeting - well I did learn some new stuff but inevitably we kinda drifted off maths onto other topics, lol. Between my friend and I, I think I’m more of listener whilst she’s more of a talker so I did what I do best :)

I listened to my friend explain how she met her hubby (via a matchmaking relative), how they liked each other and fell in love, how they graduated and got jobs (she’s a maths teacher and he’s a web developer), how they got married (huge wedding where I learnt some interesting things, see previous post on desi weddings), how they both made compromises in their marriage to get along and where they are now at this moment in time. I wasn’t seeking advice… just listening whilst she shared her worries with me. I guess everyone needs to let off some steam sometimes.

Anyhow I continued listening to her, hmm’s and uh huh’s in all the right places, whilst doodling away on the paper that was meant for the stats work, lol. As I left our table for a short while to get a refill on my drink, I turned over the paper I was drawing on for no particular reason. I think curiosity must have got the better of her because when I returned I saw her looking through the loose sheets. Fine by me except she was marking my drawings out of 10 as she looked over them, lol! As I reached our table, in true teacher style she proceeded to tell me off for not paying attention in class! I pointed out that had I not been paying attention then I wouldn’t have been able to produce the following doodles. We both laughed at what I had done…

Doodle 1. Her life before she met hubby. All good men were married… or gay. Her words, not mine, lol.

Doodle 2. Match making auntie was at a disadvantage as they all gained a reputation but she was the only one without money.

Doodle 3. Her husband is obsessed with new gadgets and technology. You name it, he’s got it, lol. She laughed about how he has more of a relationship his laptop than with her at times.

I was going to scan them but my handwriting is not something I want to share, lol. The doodles actually paint quite a glum picture. Can I point out that they are both happily married but explained how sometimes married life can have its’ fair share of trying times. I even showed her hubby the doodles when he came to pick her up. He thought they were funny too and added his own um… interesting additions - another reason why I couldn’t scan them, lol.

Love on the brain

Biological anthropologist, Helen Fisher, has used evolutionary neurology to identify four broad personality styles that are linked to different chemical systems in the brain.

• Explorer = Risk taking and impulsive. Artisitic - Artisan temperament. Neurotransmitter – Dopamine (orange). Looking for a playmate. Loves exploring/ having adventures and needs someone to share it with.
• Builder = Cautious and loyal. Sensible - Guardian temperament. Neurotransmitter – Serotonin (gold). Looking for someone to help them. Help them build a home, a family, a social network.
• Negotiator = Imaginative and compassionate. Intuitive - Idealist temperament. Neurotransmitter – Oestrogen (blue). Looking for a soulmate. Wants to know how you think and feel and vica versa.
• Director = Analytical and decisive. Reasoning - Rational temperament. Neurotransmitter – Testosterone (green). Looking for a mind mate. Someone to share their ideas with.

I know what you’re thinking… it’s like those love quizzes that you come across in girly magazines like cosmopolitan etc. Yet Fisher has some serious data to back up her theory. By working with Match.com, she produced a questionnaire to assess people and their dating habits. 7 million people in 39 countries took the quiz and she found that the results followed a pattern. Explorers go for explorers, builders go for builders but the director goes for the negotiator and the negotiator goes for the director - regardless of whether they were male or female. Fisher also conducted other experiments such being able to tell whether a group of people were in love or not just by analysing their brain activity via a brain scanner.

Fisher states that Mother Nature has patterns for choosing a mate; the differences in brain make up lead to different partners. She also acknowledges that other factors such as intelligence, looks, religion, social background and so on also play a role in choosing a partner. Even though biology is the starting point, Fisher believes that understanding these patterns can also help with relationship psychology. People have slipped into clinical depression and have even killed themselves and others for love. Now there is a genuine biological basis to explain the extreme behavioural patterns of people. Love is a powerful mating system and this evolutionary theory is supported by literature. Poets have often stated how romantic love is truly an addiction and it seems that science has proved this to be true.

Sceptical me is not afraid to admit that I actually signed up to Match.com just to take the test and satisfy my curiosity... and I deactivated the account straight after, lol. I re- took the test a few times to see what the results would say but each time I put my myself into the mindset of friends that I know quite well. The results were interesting :) I wondered if that’s how people really see me. My problem now is that I want to compare everyone’s brain activity to see if this corresponds to Fisher’s theory. I guess that’s the problem with being a science person, lol.

By the way - my result – I was a negotiator :)

UPDATE:

I found this link on Twitter and I suppose it ties in with my blog post above. Fisher strikes again with a complex kiss.

The Science of luuurrrrve

Well what with it soon being Valentines’ day and all, I just couldn’t resist. Whilst doing some research for a uni assignment, I came across a website called Scientificmatch.com – a DNA dating service. It does exactly what it says on the tin – a service that allows you to find a partner by matching your DNA; like match.com but with science thrown into the mix. Some of the selling points include heightened chemistry between a couple i.e. body fragrance etc which would be a much better match and help to create a much more fulfilling and lasting relationship. I can only imagine how annoyed perfume shops would be if this takes off, lol. Another selling point was that if you and your new partner were to have children in the future they would be less disease prone and so forth.

Science has been used to develop numerous things such as improving the world’s food supply via GM foods, producing life saving treatments, IVF and so much more. And now we are able to choose partners that will have compatible DNA. Part of me thinks, great idea – less chance of complications in our children and in a way we would be looking out for a future generations by reducing the risk of illness. But part of me also thinks – oh my god, we’re getting way too ‘frankenstein’ about the whole thing and it is a bit frightening. Test tube babies for example - it feels like we’re interfering with God’s will. But leaving religion aside for a minute and thinking about it from a logical point of view. By interfering with the natural process; we may complicate things further i.e. mutations etc – the full extent of which we still don’t know yet. Also by eliminating disease, it would mean that people would live longer and wouldn’t that increase the burden on our already strained resources? Yet the opposite could also happen. By eliminating disease, we would no longer have a collection of antibodies to fight off disease and so it is possible that a majority of the species could be wiped out by one single illness/ bacterial infection/ virus.

Anyway back to the main point – DNA dating. Do people really buy into this stuff? I wondered how many similar services existed and if people actually used them. Using Google, I found numerous related links and some fantastic taglines that made me giggle. Yes I know… I have way too much time on my hands. But come on, admit it… you know you’ll be googling away as you read this post :)

Marriage

As I mentioned in my previous posts, I’ve attended way too many weddings this summer and this inevitably led to the question... “So when are you getting married?” Uh it’s the question that hangs over your head every day until... well until you do get hitched!

At 15/16 I was excited about school. At 17/18 I was focussed on getting into uni. At 19 - 21, I was at uni studying, preoccupied with getting my career on the right track. At 22, I was busy studying. At 23, I'm still studying but now I'm also scared witless! :(

As you can see I’ve always managed to come out with some excuse but now I think I’m running out of them! People still continue to study and develop their careers even after they get married, so what’s stopping me? I’m not saying I want to get married straight away or that I’m desperate. I just find the whole a bit daunting! The fact that so much emphasis is placed on finding the right one. How will I know who that is? I have way too many questions in my head...

• What if I never find Mr Right? (... will I grow into a single slightly mad old woman over time, surrounded by only my books for company? Not so bad. But what if I get THAT desperate that I start considering some really keen people from back "there" – Uh... ok now I’ve reached a whole new level of scariness!)
• What if I find a possible Mr Right and he doesn’t like me in return? (Urgh rejection is an evil thing... I’ve never been rejected before! Wow this could cause serious issues for my ego and general mental health)
• What if I marry him and his family hate me? (I could have evil in-laws that may try to kill me or constantly trying to frame for someone else’s murder. Oh no, wait... I’ve been watching those Indian dramas with my mother again! Duh!)
• What if everything is fine and then we realise that we’re not the perfect match we thought we were and have to go our separate ways? (Probably most likely AFTER I’ve spent ages decorating the house to just how I would like it and then we have to sell it anyway!)

Uh oh what if my potential life partner finds this blog, reads it and then realises that I may be slightly crazy? Ok ok, so that’s not very likely but on a serious note there are so many things to consider about getting married as well as your usual life stuff about careers, goals, ambitions etc. Also is it just me or do girls seem to have a harder time about getting married than guys do? It’s like girls have an expiry date tattooed on them somewhere and must get married by a certain age or they are considered “past it”. Whilst guys on the other hand seem to be much more laid back about it and don’t really seem to have any age restrictions on them. I don’t get the big gender difference, marriage is hard regardless of what gender you are. Right?

Shazia Baji’s Nikkah

Despite some major setbacks, Shazia baji finally got married. It was a lovely day but also reminded everyone of the people that were missing. I listened to the nikkah being read and paid attention to what was being said. Afterwards auntie Naseem (Saba’s mum) made me giggle by making Saba and I eat the chowarey (sweets that are traditionally handed out after the nikkah) and told us to pray for good husbands, lol.

I’ve been to people’s nikkah’s before, but the first time I properly listened to what was being said was probably Sana’s wedding as it marked the beginning of a new period in our lives. We were all moving onto a new phase in our lives and Sana was the first one to step over that threshold so to speak. And soon after the floodgates opened and people were getting married left, right and centre :)

But this time Shazia baji’s nikkah was different. The order of things said and done was still the same but this time it felt weird... for me. As I listened to the molvi (priest), I felt this really strange feeling wash over me. I found my brain entering panic mode as I realised that the next nikkah of a female member of our family would probably be mine or Saba’s! Eek! I think Saba was thinking the same thing as we both had this look on our face.

Every wedding that I have attended this year has inevitably brought me one step closer to going through that same phase in my life. I’m not scared by it... well ok maybe I am a little, but it’s more to do with wanting to do it right the first time round. I don’t want to make a mistake and would ideally wish that when my time comes, it will be near enough perfect (inshAllah). A happy and successful marriage both for myself and everyone else that I know.

The difference between Zak and Yaa...

Ever since my last car died (:( and yes I still haven’t gotten over it yet) my new car and I haven’t bonded in quite the same way as I would have liked. ‘Yaa’* is very different from ‘Zak’. Zak was reliable and we had an understanding between us. It was a good working relationship and I knew where we both stood. I knew when Zak’s oil needed changing, or when one of the tyres was a bit low on air, or how long Zak could last on the reserve tank before I really was in trouble. Basically after my first few outings with Zak, I never felt the need to test Zak’s limits ever again. Now it’s all different.

To be honest, Yaa has been good to me with no breakdowns so far (touch wood) and no major catastrophes. I wouldn’t say Yaa is unreliable because that would be untrue as Yaa does get me from A to B without any major dramas. I just never know how far I can push Yaa, without there being a major backlash. I mean I don’t kick or scream at Yaa, it’s more often a sort of pleading – ‘Please YaaYaa just make it up this hill’ or on the motorway it’s ‘Come on Yaa, you can move faster than this!’ or in particularly harsh and blustery conditions it’s usually ‘Please Allah, don’t let Yaa and I get blown away!’ There is also an element of uncertainty and this best example I have of this to date are my trips to the petrol station.

As I frequently make trips to the various Manchester hospitals and back, you can imagine the amount of petrol I go through on a weekly basis. So the first thing I did when I got Yaa, was to fill the tank, make a note of mileage and see how many miles we could last before we had to fill up again. Sad but practical and at least I knew what to expect. Except when we started out daily journeys to Manchester and back, I found my petrol running out quicker than expected. I thought there may be leak etc but after a thorough service, I found there were no such problems. Yet back and forth from Manchester, I would often found myself staring at the needle telling me how close I am to running out of fuel. You’re probably wondering why I don’t just fill up at the nearest station? Well firstly when you’re between petrol stations on the motorway and the next station is miles away so that won’t be any help. Also I am a creature of habit. I regularly fill up from a petrol station near my house and well I don’t like breaking my normal routine (OCD alert!). Other reasons also include other petrol stations are more expensive than the one near my home, I have a loyalty card and get points back every time I fill up (sad I know, but I blame my dad for this habit, lol) and finally I don’t like the idea of mixing lots of different petrol types together as I don’t think Yaa will appreciate it. If I absolutely have to fill up from somewhere, I often won’t get a full tank and will wait till I get home again, lol.

So Yaa and I play a game now... to see if I can make it to the next petrol station or not. It goes something along the lines of ‘Please Allah, get me and Yaa home safely. Please? Ok? We’re good? Ok, thank you!’ ... and thankfully I’ve been lucky enough to make it each time. It’s stupid but I like it. That’s when Yaa and I get on great! We stand united against... err petrol stations? Lol. The initial issues I had with Yaa, I think are partly do with the fact that Yaa doesn’t match what I had in my head. A tiny size, with little boot space, no electric windows or central locking, a funny engine noise upon starting – yep, Yaa definitely is very different from Zak. But at the same time, despite all that other stuff, Yaa is most definitely a little trooper... just like Zak and I’m grateful :)

* Sorry, a quick note; I actually call this car ‘Yaa’ – again my choice of name is based on the number plate. Sometimes it’s ‘YaaYaa’... I mean I tried’ Basanti no.2’ or just ‘Basanti’ for a while upon my cousin Sara’s recommendation but it just didn’t stick. So Yaa it is... and yes I know I’m weird.

Partners

Digging through some old stuff and I found a letter (no we didn’t use email then ;) lol) from one of my good friends and a dear sister; Ammara.

Just re- reading her letter brings back so many memories and makes me realise how much I miss not having her around. We were literally glued at the hip as kids and we were partners in crime, lol. What made it even easier was that she got on so well my little sister and had no problems with Aishi hanging around with us. The three of us got on well mashAllah and I remember our mums used to dress us in identical outfits, lol. I was equally fond of her younger brothers Moeed (or Abdul as Aishi called him) and Muneeb and have many vivid memories of the things we all used to get up to.

Anyhow I found a few extracts from the stuff that Ammara sent me a while ago and just wanted to share them with everybody else. Also a backup in case anything should happen to the original paper copies...

• “The more civil and kind a muslim is to his wife, the more perfect in faith he is”
• “She has the perfect liberty to choose her own husband. ‘It is true that liberty is precious – so precious that is must be rationed’ – “
• “Unlike other religions, which regarded women as being possessed on inherent sin and wickedness and men as being possessed of inherent virtue and nobility, Islam regards men and women as being of the same essence created from a single soul. That single soul that will return to Allah as one
• “A good woman, by marrying a man, helps him keep to the path of rectitude in his life. Women are the beautiful half of men, let them deny it or not, they know they cannot live without our care and guidance.
  Your wives are your garment. And you are garment for them”

And a final extract, which is my favourite and I can relate to (Sorry, slightly longer than the others...)

“...A woman’s urge to be independent is up to her but not to exceed out of her limits. A woman to stand on her own two feet is a proud and exhilarating moment to be cherished, as we obtain our education we become more experienced in new developing world today. For we all know the great saying from Malcom X. ‘Education is our passport to the future, for tomorrow belongs to the people who prepare for it today...’
In society today, it is becoming increasingly difficult to choose between the street or the religion we are brought up with. Especially in western countries, muslim girls are torn at school, at home and outside, where they are consistently changing from different roles to the next. They are forced to fit in and sometimes the outcome can become severe. So an easier outlook and approach is needed. If each and every one of us is brought up with a purpose and we are continually taught our purpose, the day we feel inadequate doing wrong is the day we realise our true meaning. The true meaning of ourselves, after all we are human beings, neither one of us are perfect but unique, it is our uniqueness that lets us adapt at different times in our lives to the reality of the moment. We are all searching for ourselves a lot of the times, some of us feel confident enough to find love and some wait for it to knock on the door, sometimes this door is not stable enough to withhold the pressure... and we break. This is when we remember Allah, like I said we need an event to bring us back to the reality of the moment – otherwise we cases to understand the significance of etiquette and modesty in our religion... we slowly recognise ourselves and then our womanhood is complete.”

There are loads more, but this post is getting rather long :P

Though I may not see Ammara very regularly, I do feel I can rely on her certain issues. Although she’s only a couple of years older than me, I have trust in her not to get too heavy on the Islamic aspect and just give me sound advice, which makes a nice change. So I guess this post is to say...

Thank you Ammara for being a “very together” baji, a wonderful person and for being a part of my life. Love you always :)

Trust

Definition: assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something; one in which confidence is placed.

I think trust has taken quite a beating in the world at the moment. Whether it’s in situations regarding religion, politics, economics, even basic humanity... trust seems to be absent. I guess it is justified to some extent as bad things have happened but then again if no one makes an effort to regain that trust again... well where are we all going to end up?

Thinking back on my life, who have I personally really and truly trusted? In my younger years; I would say it was basically anyone in my life at that time, I guess I was very trusting as a child. During my teenage years, I still had trust in my parents, some teachers/mentors, my best best best friend during those particular years (seriously we’ve all had those moments! :P), still a large proportion of the community but not on the same scale as when I was a child. Now in my early twenties, that circle of trust has closed in further (though I am constantly led to believe otherwise, lol) to close family and friends and reliable colleagues and mentors. Someone who I thought I always had faith in regardless of the circumstances was God. But I realised that even that trust had also faltered a little when I was dealing with Aisha’s situation a few years ago.

Spending time with my family, I realised there was a big difference between ages, which reinforced my notion of age Vs trust. The younger members of the family i.e. infants and so forth had so much trust in the other people to look after them, make them happy, feed and clothe them etc. Whilst the elder members were not so trusting, even on the smallest things; “Are you sure the heating is at the right temperature? Is there sugar in this tea? This isn’t the right way to do such and such!”, lol. Ok so I’m taking the mickey there a little... :)

But really why is it that as we get older, we learn to trust less and less? It’s like there is a negative correlation between the older we get against the level of trust we have. Compared to a small child, who puts their trust in everyone, does society trust less because they're coloured by the experiences they’ve had or do we naturally get more cautious as time goes by? Do we simply see ourselves as superior compared to other fellow human beings and that no one can do it better than us, so why bother trusting in the first place. What is it that stops us from putting our faith in other people? Anyone got any ideas?

Desi Weddings

We’ve all been there! And I have had more than my fair share of weddings to attend this summer... so much so that I’m now confused about who married who :P I actually like weddings as it’s nice to see a couple being united in front of their loved ones, promising to spend their lives together through the good and the bad. It’s also a chance for the girls to get dressed up as no one is in danger of looking over the top at a wedding and also time to have a good catch up with family members that you haven’t seen for a while.

However at the same time; these weddings scenarios also serve a much more sinister purpose. Ok so it doesn’t happen so much at my own close family weddings; or maybe it does and I have just been extremely naive! But where else would you be able to gather all the unwed, eligible desi singles in one area making it easier for the older members of the community to search for the perfect life partner for their son/daughter/niece/nephew/grandchild. You find yourself retelling every auntie/uncle what you’re up to these days, what level your educated to, how much you earn... seriously you might as well hand out your CV; it is so much easier.

Making conversation is potentially dangerous as I observed at a friend’s wedding. Girls WILL comment on your outfit, no matter how nice you may be. The elder generation plus most married couples WILL try and set up with what they think is the perfect person for you. Making polite conversation with anyone (especially someone of the opposite sex), WILL get the rumour mill started. It may even lead to related people mentally planning your wedding in their heads, whilst all you've done is exchange pleasantries and discussed the weather!

I would like to point out that my mother, father and brother were present at these weddings and it was particularly amusing for my mother. After getting after flustered by all these unwritten rules, I sat down to admire the beautiful table decorations, can’t get into trouble for that right? Wrong! I got cornered by the bride’s mother... “Saima beta, why aren’t you mingling with the other guests, you’re supposed to be the bride’s best friend! Come on get up and help me out, jaan” and with that auntie smiled and deposited me back into the throng of people in the main hall (eek!)

At the end of the night, my friend asked me had I enjoyed the wedding and I said I had truly enjoyed the occasion and gained an education as well, to which she laughed. She said it was my responsibility to go and warn the others out there, lol. So here I am... spreading the word! :P

Cool or not cool???

Ok I’m not entirely sure if this is a cool thing or not, but I’m gonna share it with you guys anyway...

I’m sat watching a movie in the lounge. Dad is at work and Bilal’s away at camp for the week so it’s just my mum and I. The conversation (a mix of English and urdu, which I’ve translated into English for you, lol) is as follows...

Mum: “Hmmm... I don’t know what you see in him, I really don’t, hai” *shakes head*
Me: *way too engrossed in the movie*... “uh huh”
Mum: “No really. I mean is he the type of boy you would bring home to meet your Dad and I?”
Me: *Really important scene in the movie coming up*... “uh huh”

A few minutes pass...

Me: “Wait, what did you say?”
Mum: “Is he the type you would bring home?”
Me: “What? Who?” *feeling rather perplexed now*
Mum: “Him!”” *she points to the screen*
Me: *looking at the screen* “Who? Keanu Reeves?” *feeling a bit bewildered*
Mum: “I know you like him. You watch his movies all the time...” *I’m biting my lip at this point to stop myself from laughing* “I’m not saying he’s bad looking, but if he’s your ‘type’ well...you know” – *she actually did use air quotes at this point and I totally know what she’s getting at*
Me: *I can’t help but burst out laughing* “Mum, I love you, I really do!” *I hug her and she ends up laughing as well*
Mum: “Don’t bring him home just yet. God knows what your dad will say” *she laughs*

I can’t fully explain what she means in this post (for fear of it sounding at bit impolite) but those of you that know me or my family will totally get it. Putting that aside, she then went to list guys that she thinks I had/have crushes on. Honestly I have to say, it was a bit of a weird moment for me and a few things that struck me were;
a) How the hell did my mum figure out I have a crush on Keanu Reeves?*
b) Mum thought Keanu looked like a boy when actually he could actually pass for her younger brother, lol.
c) My mum thinks I have a type? Wait. No bigger than that... My mum knows my type?!
d) My mum remembers the names of guys I may have liked when I was younger.
e) Never at any point in this conversation did my mum flip out, lecture me or seem disappointed at any point. How cool is she?**

* Ok so maybe anyone could figure that out as it hasn’t exactly been a well kept secret due to certain family members. They know who they are.
** I couldn’t actually tell her point D at that time as my jaw had hit the floor at the beginning of the conversation and was firmly STILL in the same place.

So there you go people; an insight into the wonderful relationship that I have with my mother (mA) :)

I do wonder though, would other girls out there be freaked out if your mum ever brought up this topic of conversation? I can imagine that the younger girls may be horrified at the thought but perhaps as you grow older it seems more acceptable maybe? FYI, in asian households it hardly ever happens and if it does well you end up looking a bit shocked like I was, lol.

My mum told me that as a little girl, if I ever liked anyone I would totally do anything for them and she said it was a very cute thing to watch. I definitely don’t remember anything of the sort but apparently it happened quite a bit during my childhood in Halifax and some summer holidays in Pakistan. Ah well it is funny hearing things from a different perspective though.

Ok, here’s a question for you – who was your first ever crush? You guys have read mine, so it is only fair that I know yours! Feel free to post under anonymous if you like if it’s too shameful to admit to personally ;)

Growing up

Lately I’ve been wondering about my family situation in terms of how we all contribute to each other lives. My family unit consists of my mother and father, followed by me the eldest daughter, then my sister Aisha who is two years younger than me and then finally my baby brother, Bilal of which there is a considerable age gap of 12 years!

I found myself thinking back to the time of when my mother initially announced she was pregnant and the range of emotions I went through. The initial shock progressed into slight embarrassment that I would have such a young sibling and what would people say and then finally it turned into excitement leading up to the months of his birth. I found myself fully immersed in making sure the baby’s room was ready, that he had all the necessary things required and so forth. I think it was also a comfort to my mum at the time as well that her eldest daughter had accepted this news and didn’t resent her for it. Our parents would have a son as well as daughters and we would know what it was like to have a brother as well as a sister. I don’t think it was an asian thing of having to have a son for the family name but more than it would complete our family. Although my sister and I loved each dearly, it felt like the arrival of that baby would complete our family and we wouldn’t have the need to look elsewhere to fulfil that brother/son role. I mean I had my elder cousins but it’s not always the same thing, as I’m sure they would agree.

As time went on, Bilal became the favourite play thing in our family. He was the youngest one out of all my cousins and got more attention than any of us had, both from the young and old alike. Before Bilal came, Aisha was considered the youngest in our family and she was the one who got the most attention. Initially when mum came home from the hospital, Aisha was very confused about who the baby belonged to and didn’t really like the idea of having him around. However as time progressed, she grew to love him and was fiercely protective of him which surprised me a little. In years to come, this role was to be reversed as Aisha began to lose her independence. Despite being the baby, it was Bilal who cast his watchful eye over Aisha when mum and I weren’t around and would promptly inform us if she fell, had a knock or needed some attention. Bilal was a mature little boy for his age, mashAllah and I was pleased that there was a strong bond between us three siblings. Due to our difference in ages, my relationship with Bilal had more of a motherly feel to it, whereas with Aisha, I think I was more playful and jokey as we were equals and I could share a lot of my thoughts with her as she was on my wavelength. Aisha however seemed to be equally playful with both of us, regardless of our ages.

I wonder though; if Bilal had been born earlier, so that he was a closer age to Aisha and I, would things have been different. By introducing Bilal at such a late stage in our lives, had our parents been unfair to us? Would Aisha have been forced to leave her childhood quite so early with his arrival? Did we pay more attention to Bilal than we did to Aisha and was it this lack of attention what lead to how Aisha’s life ended up the way it did? Similarly as a teenager, would I have been forced to mature quicker had Bilal not been around? Did his presence alter my need to act responsibly as I now had not one but two siblings to set an example for? Don’t get me wrong, I couldn’t imagine my life without Bilal as I love both my siblings dearly, albeit in different ways. But my question is this; did Aisha and I both have to release our grip on our childhood quicker than expected due to Bilal’s arrival? I guess there are some things that I will never know the answer to...

Sisters forever

I found a poem a while back but re-reading it now, just makes me rethink things that I used to take for granted. I really wish I could turn back time.

I look at my friends, then I look at me,
Without my hunnys, where would I be?
My friends, my sisters, my shadow, my world,
Where would I be without my girls?
Tears, giggles, smiles n laughs,
Late night phone calls n cute photographs.
I’ll be there for you till the day of my death,
Best girlies forever, till my very last breath.
xXx

A beautiful duaa that I wanted to pass onto all my beautiful sisters.

May Allah give you; the mind of Hawa, the purity of Maryam, the faith of Asiya, the love of Khadija, the knowledge of Aisha, the Imaan of Fatima, And grant you the favour of being with them in janat, Ameen.