40 days

It’s been 40 days already and I can’t believe how quickly time has gone by. It feels like only yesterday that Aisha left us and all I can do is still cry. I can’t coherently describe how I feel, without breaking down and most people probably think I’m a bit of a psychotic what with my sudden changes in mood. The smallest thing somehow reminds me of Aishi and sets me off crying… even at work, I felt like such an idiot. I’ve turned into one of those overemotional people that I used to stay clear of as I don’t know how to respond to them without breaking down myself. I have probably made a lot of people uncomfortable over the last month; but I do appreciate everyone that has been around to help. Yet deep down though it still doesn’t make up for the fact that I’ll never see Aishi again.

I guess it’s true what they say about taking things for granted. How I wish I could turn back time to help my little sister and make her better, instead I just feel this enormous amount of guilt that I didn’t understand what was happening to her. I think my mum and dad probably have that feeling from time to time, my mum probably more so than my dad and I just don’t know what words I could say to make it all better. I guess it’s partly because it’ll never be right again.

I also feel angry as well because if this was all the time that she had with us then why did he make her suffer? Why not let her enjoy what little life she had? I don’t understand why my little brother Bilal doesn’t feel the same sense of loss that I do. I mean he’s not a baby anymore, he understands what is going on or perhaps he just didn't feel as close to her as I did? Everything is so confused right now. I was told that by praying with a true heart during the holy month of Ramadan, anything we ask for is granted, which filled me with immense feeling of optimism. I wasn’t asking for money or fame… instead I prayed and begged him to spare Aishi and relieve her of her suffering, to make her better again… so why is it that he didn’t listen? Was my heart not pure enough or did he just not care?

I feel so stupid for thinking that we would see a miracle and when that didn’t happen, I guess I felt… abandoned. I went through a phase of not believing in him anymore as he failed to come to my rescue or more specifically my sister’s rescue. Since that day though I still continue to pray and even recited the whole Quran on my own so that I could bless my sister, but I feel like I’ve lost a part of me. I’m not sure if it’s the loss of Aishi or maybe the fact that I think I don’t any longer have 100% belief in my religion anymore. I still pray but I see it more as a duty as opposed to previous times when I prayed because I wanted to connect on a one to one basis, share my fears and successes with Allah and thank him for being there for me. It’s like when I put my trust in a friend and they let me down, I still forgive them but I don’t trust them the same as I used to do and I guess I become a much more guarded person around them. It sounds stupid but I feel like that with Allah, I put my faith in him and he let me down at a time when I needed him the most.

The month of November saw the loss of another family member, Uncle Javid. We went to pay our respects and usually at these places I offer my condolences and sit quietly in a corner to think about the changes that the family must be going through and how hard it must be for them. However this time round instead of giving words of comfort to uncle Javid’s daughter, I ended up crying and as I cried I suddenly realised that I was crying more for my sister rather than my uncle passing away. I felt like such a selfish person and ended up apologising to Nilofer, who mashAllah was very together for her mum and younger brother. I felt so stupid for not being able to stop myself for crying and had to step out of the house for a while. On my way out, I managed to catch a look on my younger cousin Sara’s face. I'm not entirely sure if it was disapproval or just pity.

I know it sounds a bit cynical but at funeral’s, I used to look at people when they were paying their respects and wonder if their tears were for show or for real; and if they were real were they expressing genuine grief for the person who passed away or other feelings such as guilt etc. I guess I never really thought that deeply about until I had to go through it myself. I mean I have suffered the loss of loved ones before such as my grandparents passing away and it’s not to say I wasn’t close to them but more that I didn’t see them everyday. When I do think about them a part of my brain just tells me that I’ll just see them this summer and then I have to remind myself that they are actually no longer in this world. With Aisha it was more a case of that I was with her 24/7 and even though she couldn’t physically walk or talk that much, I could tell what she wanted to say. For these past few weeks, I wake up every morning and as usual I make my way to Aisha’s bedroom to say morning, give her a cuddle and just indulge in idle chit-chat with her before getting on with the rest of the day. Nowadays I find myself stopping mid-way and realising that there is no Aisha there to speak to and to have a cuddle with.

I can’t explain how for those few moments in the morning, how strong the sadness is that engulfs me and throws me off balance. It’s like someone just punched me in the stomach and I’m having to gasp for air. I get that feeling from time to time during the day and I just can’t seem to get over it. The more it happens, the more I seem to lose control over my emotions and turn into a weeping mess. I know others won’t understand and it doesn’t matter to me what they think but she IS my closest friend, the best sister I could ask for. I just wish I had a bit more time to spend her like I did this summer. I’ll always have our memories but it’s just not the same as the real thing…