Friend's funny one liners...

Humaira – “Sarcasm is acceptable. It’s your body’s defence against the stupid”

Customer at the call centre – *heavy breathing on the line* -“I haven’t got a pen so I’m steaming up the window to write the number down” WTH?

Meera – "People who are really photogenic type shouldn’t put their best picture up online. You just end up being really disappointed in real life."

Zahida – Summarising audiology… “So basically girls say one thing and guys hear something else entirely different?”

Dee – "Girls tend to have a bigger ego than guys on websites. But in real life it’s the opposite, right?"

Me – "Google stuff before you ask. It's like the virtual worlds equivalent to 'look before you leap' "

Guys and girl's; anymore to add? ;)

Joke time

Ooh I haven’t posted a good joke in a while so here’s a couple :)

Surgeons...

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."

This joke made me giggle a lot. I have no idea why! It's not even that funny, lol

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

Feel free to post some decent ones :)

Information technology

I love using technology but I also have issues with computers;

1) Useful programs i.e. Endnote and SPSS – Really useful programs especially if you are writing up your thesis or writing up papers on a regular basis. Just so damn hard to get to grips with in the first instance and bloody expensive license fee especially if your still a student like me!
2) New technology – Looking into buying a new laptop. Sony looks like a good choice but really expensive. Apple computers seem to be taking over but they don’t seem to do a right lot apart from act as a music library… which windows also does in addition to other useful (not to mention compatible!) programs. I’ll sure there are plenty of people out there ready to jump to up and defend Apple. But I'm just saying how I feel people, lol.
3) PC usage – So you’re at university, you have no laptop - low battery, forgotten it at home - whatever the reason, you wonder into the computer centre, uh oh! Let me explain, computer centres at uni are always busy during the day and the crowds only start thinning out when uni’s done for the day – about 5ish. Basically good luck finding a computer if you have some work that you urgently need to get done. Ok so some people are doing genuine work but most aren’t. Unwritten rule of the PC room, you don’t ask anyone to vacate their PC just because their Facebooking or whatever – it’s just not the done thing. Therefore you spend the next hour or so wondering desperately trying to find a free seat.

Oh by the way, I doodle. It’s my thing. Not sure why but I just do. Just thought I’d share :)

Hold my hand? (Part 2)

Right on cue my mum rang. I assured her everything was ok, that I would stop with dad and that she should go back to bed as there was nothing to worry about. As I returned, dad asked if my mum was ok and I said she was. He looked as his watch and motioned that we should get going as it was approaching 2am. But we hadn't been seen to yet. “No worries Saim, it’s just a cut, I’ve had worse! Nothing a few plasters won’t fix. I’m sure you can manage that can’t ya, you would-be medic?!” he says laughing and pointing to the oozing wound. I told him he was gonna need stitches and quite a few by the looks of it. BAD MOVE! Never tell a nervous person they’re gonna need stitches. Big No No! I saw Dad eyeing up the door to the A&E department which I guess that must have been the “flight or fight” response kicking in. Except he’d done the fight bit and now it was time for the flight part :P

Thankfully the doctor called out dad’s name so he had no time to escape. Phew! The doctor was a nice Nigerian man slightly younger than dad – “Ah Mr Ahmed, that looks quite nasty. I’m afraid you’re gonna need a few stitches.” Dad looked a bit nervous again so I replied on his behalf - “Yea that’s fine” I said with my hand on his shoulder, just in case he made a run for it. He lay down on the examining bed and looked at me. At that moment I saw something in his eyes. Fear I think. And it instinctively made me reach out and squeeze his hand. During my hospital placements, just listening to a patient and holding their hand makes such a big difference. Giving them a hug is even better – at the appropriate moment of course. Whether they are in pain, sad and lonely or even happy, there is something about the human touch that is just so comforting. No other feeling comes close to it. Even at home with Aishi, if we’re watching TV, I’ll often hold her hand just so she knows I’m there. I mean she can see me and hear me but just holding hands – it’s something she used to do a lot when we were kids and it was comforting to me in many ways – knowing that I had someone by my side. Therefore even though I’m not overly touchy feely, part of me feels compelled to do it and so I guess I’ll continue hold to hands when it’s required of me :)

As the doctor administered the pain relief, my dad winced. So I leaned closer and told him that I was here with him and that he could squeeze my hand as hard as he wanted. Funnily enough as the doctor started suturing dad’s wound, it was me to started to feel my knees to go a little as the needle went in, which was a first for me. I don’t think it had anything to do with the suturing as I’ve seen it done many times before and had a few go’s myself. But more likely to do with the fact that somehow I could feel the pain that my dad was in and it wasn’t a nice feeling. I’m pleased to say I did not faint and that dad stuck it out. Afterwards as we were walking out of the treatment room towards the car park, dad spoke up - “Well that wasn’t bad at all!”. I’m glad he thought so and I’m sure in a few years time he’ll accuse me of going over the top with the whole incident and state how he wasn’t scared at all. Because that is what my dad is about – he is always the brave one, he’s the one in charge and even if he is worried he doesn’t let it show. But for those fleeting few moments that night, I saw the little child in my dad - someone who does have fears. Even if it is over trivial little things like having stitches. I’m in two minds over the whole thing. I mean I got to see a side of my dad that shows that he isn’t always brave and that he can have moments of insecurity, just like everyone else and that no one is immune from it. Yet at the same time it scared me to see that my dad can have insecurities. He’s just another normal person and not the image of an indestructible man that I had built up in my head since I was a child. Over time as I’ve grown up, I’ve seen these situations for what they are and they’ve made me realise that everyone has their weaknesses, that no one can’t be strong all the time and you shouldn’t take them for granted. So for now my dad can still continue being the brave one in the family, the leader, but at the same time I’m aware that just like everyone else, he too needs a break every once in a while.

After the hospital, I drove the police officer and my dad to the police station where they carried out various formalities whilst I waited in the car. I then took him to his car to collect some to his belongings and we walked back to my car. As we walked dad held out his hand to me to cross the road, like he used to do when I was a little girl. At 20 years old, I didn’t think that that was necessary and yet again something in my compelled me to just hold his hand. No questions were asked, nothing was said and as we crossed that road, Dad was the leader again and I was just Saima. That was good enough for now. I just hope that when the time comes, someone will hold my hand too when I need them :)

Hold my hand? (Part 1)

On his way home one night, my dad came across a rather argumentative drunken man which resulted in drunk man being arrested and my dad sustaining a blow to the left side of his face and a deep bleed, just missing his eye. The police informed me know of the incident and explained that I would have to collect my father as they needed to car for analysis (?) and his injuries meant that his visibility would be compromised for driving. Eek! That scared the hell out of me, what do they mean compromised visibility? I reassured mum that I would let her know what was going on and set off for the hospital in my car.

During my drive, I thought about the moments where I’ve had to be the grown up for my parents. When dad was stranded in Pakistan due to some political BS, when the doctor’s confirmed that something wasn’t right with Aisha, when my grandparents passed away, when my mum’s was pregnant with Billy – I stepped up each time as a sense of duty crept over me. But at the same time it gave me an insight into my parent’s lives – how scary must it be to be the one in charge, the one that everyone looks to for guidance. I’m not saying I did everything but those in those few moments in my life, I had to be the grown up, the strong one for my mum and dad. I had to take charge of my immediate family and look after Aisha and Bilal, who looked to me for guidance and protection and explain what was going on with mum and dad. It’s a scary feeling that’s for sure!

I arrived at the hospital and found my dad amongst the others that were injured and looked a bit bewildered and shocked. A number of emotions hit me. Sadden that someone had attacked him, anger at the person who did it and irked by the long waiting times which was further exacerbated by exam time at uni. Stress! As I approached dad, I saw a sense of relief wash over his face - probably because he had found someone he recognised. My dad is not a big fan of hospitals as he’s always associated them with bad news (Aisha and my grandparents are enough past experience to convince him of that) and he’s definitely not a good patient. I remember that he wasn’t exactly over the moon when I chose a profession in which being exposed to people suffering on a daily basis is something that will soon become a normal thing for me. Don’t get me wrong, he thinks medical professionals are great… as long as he and his family don’t have to have to encounter them and I guess I understand where he is coming from. I think as a father, he always tried to protect me and my siblings from things like that and then I go and do the exact opposite.

I’ve seen worse people brought in during my hospital placements, but looking at my dad’s injuries was scary for me. Everything changes when it’s someone you know, especially if it’s someone close. I saw the beginnings of a black eye and maybe even a fat lip – it was like he had been in pub brawl. The cut made by his glasses, was pretty deep and wouldn’t stop bleeding - so much so that his shirt was fairly soaked. Dad has a bit of a nervous disposition when it comes to hospitals. That coupled with the blood in his eye, blurring his vision made him more panicky and with no glasses and significant pain – well needless to say he was getting restless. So I sat and talked to him. He started cracking jokes and with the blood still steadily flowing down his face and wincing from the pain, he re-enacted the um... “fight”. You have no idea how much that calmed me. Not the fact he was injured but the fact that he was back to his normal self – it sort of signalled to me that as dad was being dad, I could continue being me – as in not in charge of the family. But not just yet....

The Apprentice 2006

Sir Alan Sugar with series 2 winner Michelle Dewberry

Woohoo! It’s finally over and I’m so glad that Michelle won the series! Although the girl didn’t do anything particularly impressive and seemed to fade into the background throughout the whole series, I still preferred her. Ruth was a good contender but my god was she a backstabber (Episode 10 – Syed well n truly gone!). Anyway it’s true what they say; it’s always the quite ones, lol. Last year it was Tim and this year it was Michelle.

Last series I did actually want Saira Khan to win – yea she did have some cringe worthy moments but overall was a good determined business woman, a bit like Ruth this year. There are a lot of similarities between the two series of the apprentice. Last year’s cocky guy was Paul Torrisi and this year it was Paul Tulip; must be a thing with Paul’s especially if they’re from Yorkshire. The crazies were James May from last year and Jo Cameron in this year’s series! I can’t end without mentioning this year’s idiot – Syed Ahmed. Yea sure he is a good businessman and he is good looking (I’m not gonna deny him that) but he did have some really piss taking moments. A bit of a liar, conman, inability to be patient and used to getting his on way etc. Sounding a bit like all asian men really... just kidding! He was good but I don’t think he would have been chosen in the end even though Sir Alan did take a bit of a shine to him. I would have liked to see him put through the interviews though and see if he’d be able to BS his way past some of those interviewers. Wonder if he’ll ever look back and regret some of the things he said (He’s from the east end don’t you know?!) and did (Chicken pizza incident very amusing! lol!). Anyway what’s done is done. So basically he’s a bit of an idiot at times but I still quite like him for some reason. Guess some people just need to think things through before doing anything. Hmm… sounds a lot like other people I know, lol.

As you may have gathered I am a bit of an apprentice fan and thoroughly enjoyed both series though I did miss the first part of this latest series due to important stuff like university and assignments etc. Final year does take priority! Anyway both series were excellent and I’m looking forward to the third series next year. Out of all the reality shows out there, I have to say that The Apprentice is the best one by far. You learn new things, people are actually working, being creative, as opposed to the mind numbing qualities of the latest Big Brother series and on top of all that you get to see Sir Alan’s cheerful face each week! Grrr! What’s not to like? lol! I never though I’d say this but a reality show is actually my favourite show at the moment! Uh oh… what is going on in the world?! lol!

Muslim Bioethics

Revising for exams and the issue of religion and science popped into my head. The reality is that they just do not gel well together and conflicts often arise. And yet it is those two things – science and religion - that are probably the most important things in our lives. They define our existence. I often wonder whether the decisions I have made or will make in my career are influenced by my religious outlook. For example;

Abortion –
Quite a few religions are against abortion as basically it’s seen as murdering an innocent life. Even medical professionals agree that taking a life is ethically wrong so there’s no dispute there then. Science even defines a point at which it is acceptable to do so and when not to – it makes logical sense. My issue isn’t the point of termination in the pregnancy, it’s whether it should be performed at all and at what cost? Certain religions do have ‘get-out’ type clauses if you like. If the mothers’ life is in danger, victims of abuse or rape, drunken one stands, financial family issues, emotional instability – but who’s gives that final say; whether we should abort or not? You may be saving a life; but at what cost – social, financial, emotional, moral? Who decides?

Designer babies –
A process by which a child is perfected so that it exactly matches the parent’s specification. Eye colour, hair colour, predisposition to certain illness; they can all be manipulated by altering the genes/alleles of the zygote (fertilised egg and sperm). Aside from the ethical issues concerned i.e. playing god, what about the scientific/logical issues? Do we really truly know the affects of such alterations? The theory on survival of the fittest, by altering variation in the natural population what will be the long term effects? If everyone survives, won’t that place more strain on the health services and other resources, resources that are already being tested to their limits? Personally there’s something that doesn’t sit quite right with this area, for me anyway – both religion and moral standing.

IVF –
The process of providing medical assistance to couples who are unable to conceive naturally. There is some medical intervention but in my opinion a near enough natural process. This I don’t seem to have any issues with personally or that affects my religious beliefs. However others may disagree. If conception doesn’t occur naturally, then maybe it wasn’t meant to be in the first place. If the couple really wanted a child then they could adopt or foster children who have been abandoned. IVF also increases the chances of multiple births which could be unexpected and may lead to abandonment or issues of financial security for the family concerned.

Organ regeneration –
The process and knowledge used to replace congenital defects without having to wait for a suitable human donor to become available. This is one topic that I am in agreement with both ethically and religiously; however as with anything there are some downsides. There are issues of not caring for what we’ve been given i.e. bad diet, habits, abuse; and promoting the culture of replacing organs whenever we need. The ‘frankenstein’ feeling – people emotionally don’t’ feel comfortable with themselves as the natural factor is missing. What about the long term effects of having altered DNA in our bodies; will they get passed onto future generations or perhaps revert back to wild type mutations instead of having a controlled outcome?

Stem cells –
The so-called miracle cure for everything from baldness to reversal of certain disease processes, another topic that I’m in favour of. With regards to my religion, I feel this area is ok however it should be used with caution. In theory it seems like a fantastic idea as it reduces the introduction of foreign molecules/materials. By using the body’s own cells to manufacture/ repair defects leads to less chance of rejection or complications. And yet there’s still so much that we don’t know; it’s like we’re still at the front doorstep so to speak. The human genome project completed in 2001 was a great step forward, but it’s working out a way to use that knowledge effectively that is the most crucial part. The perfection of the differentiation and cultivation techniques is required and that requires skill and time… as opposed to rushing ahead to make waves and beating the competition.

Donors –
Blood cells have an average life cycle of 120 days and so health services require regular donors in order to keep their supplies up to date. Organ donors again are a good thing but perhaps clearer guidelines are required in order to avoid misunderstandings. For example quite a few people may carry around donor cards, but forget to sign them. Therefore when the crucial moment comes, confusion may take over the process and cause unnecessary delays. Maybe we should be promoting a system where making organ donation is perhaps a compulsory process and that people would have to opt out if it if they weren’t comfortable – the opposite of what we have at the moment. However I feel that choice of freedom should be respected as certain religions also have some constraints on organ donations and similar areas. It also brings up the issue of people that have a second child if there are no suitable living donors to save the first child – that is something that I'm not too sure of. But then again I’m not in the same position as those people, it’s far too easy to say things when you’re not going through it yourself.

There are so many more topics to discuss i.e. animal testing and so on. To conclude, I guess as with anything, science has its’ pros and cons as well but we need to be mindful of people’s personal feelings and religious outlooks. It goes without saying that each case should be assessed on their own merits and not as a 'one rule fits all'.