A few weeks ago I met an old uni friend and chatted about some recent events that had taken place within our circle of friends, in the presence of a mutual acquaintance. During our catch up, my uni friend made a comment about the situation we were discussing and turned away at the same time. He then went onto answer a call on his mobile phone and drifted away from where we were stood. As I had known him a while, I think I had grown used to Mohammad’s behaviour, though God knows I pointed it out to him on many occasions. However I later found out that our mutual acquaintance found this to be extremely rude and very inappropriate.
However it was this same mutual acquaintance, actually we’ll call her Mary for the now as I’m tired of writing mutual acquaintance repeatedly!. So yes one day uh... Mary and I were in a lift when a third person, a male who I also knew, entered the lift and commented on how lovely we both looked today (we both had presentations to give at uni). As I knew the guy, I replied with my usual trademark sarcasm whilst Mary I’m assuming didn’t know how to respond and didn’t speak but rewarded the man with a small smile and turned away. Later during lunch time, we were sat having lunch with a group of other scientists which were mostly girls and someone commented on how Mary had spotted an huge error in one of the machines in the lab to which Mary grinned a huge grin and explained how she came about spotting the error. During this period the same group of people commented on a written article that I had submitted to which I replied with a thank you nod and a small appreciative smile.
A couple of days later I met the same man and the group of female scientists in a lift (ironically most of my life changing stuff happens in lifts, but that’s another story!). We all sat down for an afternoon break and discussed the presentations from the previous day. It turns out that these people found Mary to be a rude person just the same way Mary had found Mohammad to be rude. I felt slightly confused and enquired as to why Mary was targeted. What social faux pas had she committed?! Their explanations were as follows:
The lift – Upon receiving compliments on our appearances, Mary did not reply which made the man think she was already aware of how good she looked and he was beneath her. Therefore his comment had no effect on her and she was perceived to be a bit of a snob. I, on the other hand, had made a joke about it, which made the man feel that I had acknowledged his compliment and so he felt I was friendlier than Mary and more fun to be around.
Lunchtime – After receiving praise about out work, Mary had gone onto explain how she had spotted the mistake and this made the group think that she was arrogant and showing off her superiority in front of the others. Whilst in comparison, I had accepted the praise by nodding my head and then saying no more about it. Therefore I was seen to be more modest than Mary and again more socially accepted.
This explanation left me confused as a simple reversal of responses from Mary and I had brought about such different reactions in different situations. It also raised a lot of questions.
1) Comparisons - had I not been in those places for comparative purposes i.e. Mary on her own; would those people still have formed the same opinion about Mary regardless of my presence? But because I was present they had someone to gauge her responses with and so it somehow became a contest on social etiquette.
2) Genders – was the difference in gender influential in those situations. For example men usually trying to impress women by telling them how good they look and when not listened to, they feel rejected and see the girl as the wrong party. Equally women like to be better than other woman so if another girl accepts a comment quite readily then she is seen as a threat perhaps and again the wrong party.
Ironically I came out quite well in both these scenarios. But I wonder why. With the man, I was relaxed as he was a decent guy, a friend I was comfortable around. I don’t see myself as particularly good looking and so usually compliments about my appearance I respond to in a jokey manner as I don’t believe them to be true. Similarly with the group of girls, who I knew quite well, I didn’t know how to react to the comments on my work, even if it was an outstanding piece of work. Those of you that know me also know that I am never sure how to react to comments on my work. Criticism I can deal with, I take it on board and assess whether those changes need to be made; praise my work however and I falter, the most I ever manage is a smile and a nod.
But it got me thinking, perhaps Mary was the opposite, maybe she didn’t think she was pretty and so didn’t know how to take a compliment and preferred to stay quiet rather than make fun of it like I did. In terms of intellect, perhaps she’s more confident and outgoing in her ability whereas I am more shy and reserved. I do know one thing though; coming from a Punjabi family perhaps social etiquette doesn’t matter much but out in the world, it definitely has its place and it can be confusing. It’s not just your words than have an effect, it’s your body language as well!
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