21st Birthday

What would have been my sister’s 21st birthday this year (January 14th); got me reminiscing with my friends about our 21st birthdays. What we all planned, how they turned out and what we felt like after. We relived quite a few memories; some good parties, some hilariously embarrassing moments... argh everyone cringe!

I remember my 21st was a lot of fun :) Friday night, good food, good company, remembering our years at uni together, the ups and the downs. The final year of our undergraduate degrees, nearing the end of the lab period for our research projects; the last time we’d all be together stress free. That's before the exam fever took over and the panic to get work submitted on time began in the coming months, lol. Ah soo many good memories!

Growing up

Lately I’ve been wondering about my family situation in terms of how we all contribute to each other lives. My family unit consists of my mother and father, followed by me the eldest daughter, then my sister Aisha who is two years younger than me and then finally my baby brother, Bilal of which there is a considerable age gap of 12 years!

I found myself thinking back to the time of when my mother initially announced she was pregnant and the range of emotions I went through. The initial shock progressed into slight embarrassment that I would have such a young sibling and what would people say and then finally it turned into excitement leading up to the months of his birth. I found myself fully immersed in making sure the baby’s room was ready, that he had all the necessary things required and so forth. I think it was also a comfort to my mum at the time as well that her eldest daughter had accepted this news and didn’t resent her for it. Our parents would have a son as well as daughters and we would know what it was like to have a brother as well as a sister. I don’t think it was an asian thing of having to have a son for the family name but more than it would complete our family. Although my sister and I loved each dearly, it felt like the arrival of that baby would complete our family and we wouldn’t have the need to look elsewhere to fulfil that brother/son role. I mean I had my elder cousins but it’s not always the same thing, as I’m sure they would agree.

As time went on, Bilal became the favourite play thing in our family. He was the youngest one out of all my cousins and got more attention than any of us had, both from the young and old alike. Before Bilal came, Aisha was considered the youngest in our family and she was the one who got the most attention. Initially when mum came home from the hospital, Aisha was very confused about who the baby belonged to and didn’t really like the idea of having him around. However as time progressed, she grew to love him and was fiercely protective of him which surprised me a little. In years to come, this role was to be reversed as Aisha began to lose her independence. Despite being the baby, it was Bilal who cast his watchful eye over Aisha when mum and I weren’t around and would promptly inform us if she fell, had a knock or needed some attention. Bilal was a mature little boy for his age, mashAllah and I was pleased that there was a strong bond between us three siblings. Due to our difference in ages, my relationship with Bilal had more of a motherly feel to it, whereas with Aisha, I think I was more playful and jokey as we were equals and I could share a lot of my thoughts with her as she was on my wavelength. Aisha however seemed to be equally playful with both of us, regardless of our ages.

I wonder though; if Bilal had been born earlier, so that he was a closer age to Aisha and I, would things have been different. By introducing Bilal at such a late stage in our lives, had our parents been unfair to us? Would Aisha have been forced to leave her childhood quite so early with his arrival? Did we pay more attention to Bilal than we did to Aisha and was it this lack of attention what lead to how Aisha’s life ended up the way it did? Similarly as a teenager, would I have been forced to mature quicker had Bilal not been around? Did his presence alter my need to act responsibly as I now had not one but two siblings to set an example for? Don’t get me wrong, I couldn’t imagine my life without Bilal as I love both my siblings dearly, albeit in different ways. But my question is this; did Aisha and I both have to release our grip on our childhood quicker than expected due to Bilal’s arrival? I guess there are some things that I will never know the answer to...

Confusion on Christianity

Halifax, West Yorkshire is a predominantly white area with very few asian people. It’s where my sister and I grew up and spent most of our lives there. We were literally the only asian’s in the village and yet I never resented it, I accepted it and liked living there... a lot. Despite some restrictions, I felt a real sense of belonging within the community. Then just as I about to embark on my Gcse’s, my father decided to move to Bradford, where he had spent most of his life. Suddenly I found myself dropped into the middle of a very big asian community. Where everyone knows everyone else’s business, traditional dress was seen as a must for girls (even at school!) jeans were a no no and if you didn’t join in with the big debates (on religion, politics or how the west was slowly destroying the east) then you were seen as a bit weird.

As a British national, born in the united kingdom yet with an ethnic origin classed as Pakistani (where my parents descended from) I still found it incredibly hard to accept this new community. I didn’t get their mentality (and I still don’t most of time) and didn’t seem to share the same interests as the majority of my classmates. I may have looked the part but my accent was always a giveaway (mine being a broad Yorkshire accent and the rest class having a bradfordian accent).

I’m ashamed to say that I also didn’t know all that much about my religion. I mean I knew the basics but I hadn’t memorised parts of the Quran like some of the other people in my class had. I only ever learnt about Islam during R.E lessons at my school in Halifax and through my parents at special times of the year such as Ramadan. Ironically though I could recite the Lord’s prayer at the drop of a hat and still can. I read the bible during Friday morning assemblies, at my school and knew all the biblical stories, who all the characters were and what the moral of each story was. When going out to meet other family members, I used to like getting dressed up in fancy clothes, watching Bollywood movies and listening to asian music. I didn’t mind the culture, in fact I quite liked it and sometimes craved it as I wasn’t exposed to it as often.

But moving to Bradford and being totally surrounded by that same culture 24/7 felt rather strange. It’s like when I visit my extended family in Pakistan, I feel out of sorts there as well. However a good thing that came out of our move was that I learnt more about my religion, which was great. I mean I‘m not claiming that I know everything about Islam but I feel more comfortable as a muslim and knowing what my religion is about. Also I started University fairly soon after, which was great as it gave me a lot more freedom and I felt much more at ease. In terms of the culture, I eventually got used to it but that doesn’t mean I agree with it. Even now, when having discussions with other people, I still can’t get my head around how other people in the community think and why they say and do the things they do.

Having a dual personality can be a blessing and a curse. I think growing up in here in England, I feel I’m able to fit in better in society. Perhaps better than someone who wasn’t born here and so doesn’t get the english way of life. But then ultimately the colour of my skin will always make me stand out. At the same time, I feel I fit into the desi community as well but then again my natural curiosity, questioning the norm and not willing to accept everything at face value makes me stand out again. I feel a real sense of displacement sometimes. Where do I belong... the asian community or the english community?